Self Boundaries, Attachment and Burnout [Ep 30]

In this episode we explore how the quiet boundaries you don’t set for yourself lead to anxiety, burnout and attachment issues. 

Key points

• How everyday boundary breakdowns feel normal because they've been normalised
• Why childhood trauma teaches us to abandon our needs
• What everyday boundaries look like 
• Powerful reframes to change the way you think about boundaries 
• Reflective questions to facilitate your self knowledge and healing 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Hello my lovely, I hope you are doing well today. So for today's episode, this is going to be ideal for you if you are somebody who struggles with guilt, people pleasing and over-functioning, especially if that is due to childhood trauma patterns. Have you ever looked at your calendar or your to-do list and then you've just thought, when did I stop mattering to myself? When did I stop prioritising what I needed Because I was so focused on being the person who is the giver, being the person who sees the identity in being the person who is the helper. When did I stop mattering to myself? And so for today, I want to talk about the kind of boundaries that often go unnoticed. but it quietly reminds your nervous system that you are just here to be productive or to please other people or to just constantly be giving, even if you have nothing left for yourself to pour into yourself. It's the kind of boundaries that make you feel like you're only here to perform or be productive for other people or that you're just here to please others when actually you are here to be. And that starts with boundaries that say I matter too so that's what we're going to be covering today let's unpack Welcome to Healing Childhood Trauma, the podcast for millennial women who are ready to heal from the past. Here we have the deeper discussions on emotional well-being and practical tips that will empower you to transform your relationships and underlying anxiety from insecure to secure attachment. I'm Lisandra, your host and psychotherapist. I'm a little bit obsessed with human development, deep conversations and finding the lesson even in the most challenging of circumstances. I'm very happy to have you with So if you have been navigating feeling really overwhelmed, feeling like you are juggling all of the things, navigating burnout, anxiety, overthinking, feeling like you are not good enough, feeling like no matter how much you do, you are not good enough, it's just never enough because you're not able to fully put yourself or dive into anything with any great depth because you are so emotionally burnt out and exhausted that You can't actually give that much to any one thing. There is this constant struggle of I'm failing at work, I'm failing at home, I'm failing at being a partner, I'm failing at being a good friend. Whatever responsibilities that you have, it feels like you're just not meeting the kind of standard that you would want for yourself. You're not showing up in a way that feels like you're doing your best. And if you have that feeling, I really believe that that needs to come back to the boundaries for yourself. Often experiencing burnout isn't just about that you're doing too much. it's also about doing too much of what drains your energy both physically and emotionally. And when you don't have enough protection around self-care and protection around how you spend your time and protection around your boundaries, that's going to impact your energy levels and your emotions. And so if you have experienced childhood trauma or spaces where you've automatically gone into that response of people pleasing, it can mean that you're often in a role of being the helper. You're often in a role of feeling like your value comes from how productive you can be or how important and needed you might be to somebody else and sometimes those everyday boundaries that we should have for ourselves they just break down and they feel very normal because they have been normalized it's been normalized for you to be a people pleaser it's been normalized for you to prioritize the needs of other people over yourself to be the helper and in that you've gotten lost along the way boundaries might feel like it's an act of being selfish and being self-centered because you are just not used to to thinking about yourself in that way, in the same way that you've been conditioned to think about others. Now that's not to say that we then completely turn around and become entirely narcissistic where we just focus only on meeting our own needs and doing things that we want to do. Of course, being part of society and being a good person and having healthy relationships is all about give and take. But when this balance has been disproportionate, where you constantly are out boring and you're then emotionally feeling drained you're possibly suffering from high functioning anxiety or high functioning depression where every day just feels like groundhog day and it feels like no matter how much you try or how much work you try and put in it still just feels like never enough And at the end of the day, you're absolutely exhausted. So you don't have any space for anything new. You don't have any space for yourself. You don't have any space for creativity. And you're just going through the motions and it doesn't feel like you're actually making any headway. And it just constantly feels like because of that, there is this constant underlying feeling of failure and this feeling of not doing, not being enough. And really that can be because you just haven't been spending enough time on you you haven't been consistent with thinking about what is it that you need in order to show up in the way that means you can be there for other people that you can be there to multitask everything you can do well at work you can show up in your relationships without resentment because you have also been thinking and considering what your needs are in this equation too. So it's not that you're having a mindset of I'm more important than everybody else, It's more of a mindset of, I'm important too. And starting to do that more for yourself, it doesn't even have to look like these big, massive gestures that we spend hours and hours on, even when we don't even have the time. A lot of the time, it's about the little things. It's about the little moments and the little ways that we can show up for ourselves that basically fits in with our lifestyle and whatever other responsibilities we have. So to a certain extent, you'll have to make a bit of a judgment call on, what that looks like for you because obviously everybody has their own responsibilities everybody has their own energy levels it's really more of taking a self-inventory rather than like a rigid approach of this is what i should be doing this is what it should look like and again even just almost beating yourself up for feeling like you're not getting that right so what do everyday boundaries look like i can just give you some examples so you know the kind of thing what I'm talking about. A typical example could be instead of checking your emails later in the evening, after a certain point, especially when they're work emails, you shut that down. So you decide for yourself that after working hours, you're no longer contactable and anything else that comes in after that gets dealt with the following day, for example. Or it could be that you carve out a bit of time for yourself and you mark that in your schedule, whether it is like a five minute break, 10 minute break, longer if you can, but when you're having that time, that time that you have set aside and scheduled for yourself to do whatever, it could be that you're working out, it could be that you're having a moment to meditate, maybe you wanna read, maybe you just wanna catch up on your favorite show for 45 minutes, an hour, but whatever the thing is that is your downtime, being very protective of that time and so maybe not answering a call if it's in that time because you know that this is the only time you get that is something that is just for you so it's it's almost just like shifting the the need to always be on call for other people especially if it's not anything that's urgent nothing that needs your urgent attention nothing that can't wait for you to just have some have some time for yourself or it could be just telling a friend instead of feeling guilty about not wanting to meet up because you're exhausted and it's gotten nothing to do with the friend the friend is amazing but you've just had a very busy week and you just don't have the energy for it instead of feeling guilty just telling a friend like hey like I would love to meet up with you it's definitely a priority for me but I'm just so exhausted and just acknowledging that it's okay to recognize when you just need to put yourself first so if you are low on energy just asking your friend is it okay if we book next week is it cool if we meet up another time because I just can't do it right now and just offering an alternative because people can be a lot more understanding than what you think and maybe there was a part of them that was actually like oh i've had a really busy week as well like we don't know if we don't ask or we don't put it out there we tend to make all of these assumptions that sometimes people will think of us or perceive us in a It's not necessarily the case. Sometimes people are relieved when you're just able to be honest. So it's just thinking about what ways can I start to protect my energy and my time more so that I'm not constantly over giving to the point where if something in my week or my day needs to change, it's that time that I've prioritised for myself. That's the first thing to go that you almost have to be quiet. fiercely protective around that time you've carved for yourself. And again it's not coming from a place of being selfish, it's coming from a place of if I can give this to myself that means I'm able to give more or I'm able to give from a place of wanting to do that as opposed to I feel obligated to do that. And if you are already really struggling with this thinking, well, I still don't really get what that looks like for me to think about myself more for me to prioritize myself in those very regular everyday moments. I'll give you a couple of more examples but before I do I kind of want you or rather I invite you to just think about why that is and to consider why does it feel so difficult for you to also prioritize yourself and for you to take care of yourself and think about where that comes from and maybe some messages that you might have picked up along the way about what it means to rest What it means to be productive and how much that might be tied into your worth and how much it even ties into what your actual values are. Because sometimes we can have these values and these harsh criticisms and this idea about ourselves of what we should or shouldn't be doing. but we project that feeling and it's just a feeling that we reserve just for ourselves because if it's anybody else if it's a friend or if we're talking to our kids or we're talking to our mums or anybody else that we deem important to us we can say how important it is for them to have self-care how important it is for them to look after themselves spend time on themselves, do things that they enjoy doing, making time for rest. But when it comes to showing up for yourself in that way, that's the struggle. That's where it feels really hard. And so understanding where that comes from can really help you to break that down and start challenging some of that and letting go of maybe some of the beliefs that you have around rest so that you can start showing up for yourself more. and stop all of these little signs of abandonment which essentially that's what it is it's you telling your nervous system that what you need whether it is physically or emotionally or spiritually if you are minimizing that and you're disregarding that you're telling your nervous system and you're telling your body that listening to what it needs is not important You're telling yourself that you don't value what it is that you need. Even when your body might be screaming out for rest. You're telling your body, even though you're tired, you need to push through. We're not going to stop. We're going to keep going. It wreaks havoc on your nervous system if you are not listening to what your body needs. And that's how we enter into serious cases of burnout where it's not... possible to come out of it just with simple acts of self-care or taking a week off it's almost that deep-rooted burnout that leaves us completely depleted in all areas of our lives but when you do start listening to your body it reinforces the idea that you are safe and you embody that feeling of safety and it feels like it it becomes normalized and it's through consistency it's through self-honoring and it's you who choosing you and that is something that is so crucial especially if you have attachment trauma really if you have anxious attachment if you have a lot of anxiety around relationships if you are constantly also not listening to what you need that ties into your attachment wounds as well because not only are you fearful of relationships and people not showing up for you but you're also doing that yourself and so attachment isn't just the relationship that you have with other people or your romantic relationships, it's also the relationship that you have with yourself. So the more that you tell yourself that what you need doesn't matter, the more you build up resentment and you can start feeling and showing resentment to other people when you see that how easy it is for them to prioritise themselves. How easy it is for them to just say, actually, I'm going to the gym. So even though we had plans, like figure it out, you then become resentful of, oh, so why is it okay for you to look after yourself? But when it's me, I feel like I'm always thinking about how that's going to make you feel. And that dynamic is something that I see quite a lot, especially in relationships. I'm not going to go stereotypical, even though stereotypically, that is what I actually see in this relationship dynamic. So if we're talking a heterosexual couple, I tend to find that it's much easier. And I think this is a lot to do with the conditioning of how boys are raised and how girls are raised. But it seems... in a very general sense, and I have seen the exception, but the majority of what my client group is right now at this particular moment is that women are doing the lion's share of working, parenthood, juggling things and feeling responsible, overly responsible for everything. Whereas the dads, although they might be present and they might be doing their part in parenting and working and their other responsibilities that they have sometimes they can find it easier to say okay I've got gym at six o'clock in the morning so off I go and it's not really a thing that is negotiable it's just something that is just expected and it's not to blame the partner for doing that or for having that that time for themselves but if you're starting to resent your partner for being able to do that then you kind of have to look at well what is the part that i'm playing in it because maybe there's a part of me that assumes that i can't do that and it's coming from a place of resentment as opposed to well that opportunity is available for me too if i choose to take it now that is context dependent do not shoot the messenger i'm just putting it out there that it's possible it could be possible potentially But I also have seen sometimes when men want to do something and then they start to feel guilty around leaving their partners or their wives at home because it does feel like a very selfish thing for them to go and do something that is just for them, like going out with their friends or going to play golf or whatever the thing that might be. But from personal experience, I see that the guilt... It's just not really there. And I tell you why, I'm gonna back this up. I know I'm going on a tangent, but I have to just finish this point, right? I'm gonna back this up because of the term mum guilt. Have you ever heard of the term dad guilt? No, why? Because the term doesn't exist. So we are very familiar and we know what we're talking about in terms of mum guilt. When we use that term, we universally know what we're talking about. That's the patriarchy for you. Okay, I've made my point. Back to the episode. Let's bring this back to you because the more that you set boundaries and you honour them and you respect them and you follow through, the more you are able to build your self-trust. And self-trust is an important key of healing in relational trauma and attachment trauma because the more that you are able to show up for yourself and when it matters the more you'll be able to believe in yourself and have that self-trust because a lot of the time our feeling of not being able to either trust our judgment or to trust in relationships comes from a place of lacking safety and we lack safety when things are inconsistent And we don't have that feeling of safety. We don't have that feeling of being important or that it's consistent or that it's genuine. But if we start doing that for ourselves, you start to become safer to yourself. Your nervous system starts to become used to that. It becomes the standard as opposed to the thing that feels uncomfortable. And so that will also translate into your relationships because the more that you're able to show how you treat yourself well, the more likely it is that your relationships also emulate the same thing because you start to have a certain level of acceptance of this is how I take care of me. So I don't accept anything less from anybody else. Not only will your boundaries communicate self-trust but it will also communicate that you don't have to earn rest. You don't have to feel guilty for not being productive. It communicates self-respect. It builds your emotional bandwidth for your relationships that matter to you. If this is a struggle for you it's probably going to come from a place of real inner resistance and how that tends to show up is through very uncomfortable feelings like guilt you might feel bad for letting people down you might feel like if you do something that's inconvenient to somebody else that they'll be mad at you and if somebody then becomes mad at you then possibly that leads to rejection and obviously if you have attachment trauma that is the thing that you fear you fear that feeling of abandonment and rejection and so you go out of your way to overgive so that you don't have to experience that And it's so much easier said than done to say, to kind of sit with and work through the guilt. But I promise you, nobody's ever died from guilt. As uncomfortable as it feels, it is something that we have to learn to tolerate and sit with. And processing emotions, I mean, I'll probably have to do a whole other episode on that. But essentially sitting with your emotions is trying to just observe what's happening, without placing too much judgment on it. without being overly resistant to it, and just accepting of, oh, this feeling is coming up, and just being curious about that. You can start reframing some of these internal battles that you have around boundaries. For example, a powerful reframe could be, if you feel bad for letting people down, then reframe that. Reframe that into you're not letting people down, you're letting yourself breathe. Or if you've got a fear of conflict or disappointing people, and maybe the thought you have is what if they think that I'm rude or distant a powerful reframe could be that people who care about you they want you to feel well and they don't want you to be drained maybe you have an internalized pressure to be nice or to be the good person and you might just think well it's probably just easier if I say yes and that needs a reframe too because it's easier in the moment but in the long run it's going to cost you it's And it's going to cost you your wellbeing. So sometimes experiencing that discomfort is worth it. So if you don't know by now, I love some next steps because I want you to be able to take what you're listening to from this and put something into action because there's no point in gathering all this information and knowing all this stuff and then doing nothing with it I was going to say fuck all but I refrained from swearing but that's not me being authentic you might be somebody who's like just tell me tell me exactly specifically tell me what to do and I would love to be able to do that for you but the power comes from you being able to decide this for yourself and you being able to recognise this for yourself but I hope that I've given you enough to just get started with it. And I've given you some suggestions and some ideas that might spark something for you. But to help you a little bit along the way, I've got a couple of reflective questions that might help to draw that out a bit easier for you. And the first one is, where do you feel the most invisible to yourself in the course of your week? And that follows up with, what would setting a boundary there sound like? And that will help you to get started with thinking more about your needs too. And I just need to clarify that it doesn't need to be these massive life changing moments. It's about the smaller moments, the small consistent moments that really add up over time, which is also really helpful for your nervous system to have things in a very gradual way, in a way that is realistic, in a way that is consistent. That's also going to help with that feeling of safety. not doing anything overly drastic or doing something that stretches you beyond your capacity. And so you're just looking for more realistic ways that you can start thinking, hey, what do I need right now? Because I matter too. and it's not a small thing it is very deep work it might sound like it's very superficial but if you have had a lot of trauma and it's very ingrained and these patterns are very difficult for you to shift and you are in a current state of burnout and emotional exhaustion it is absolutely something that I work with my clients on so do get in touch I will pop the link in the bio if you want to book a free 15 minute consultation this call is just for people who are in the UK and the EU because there are regular regulations around who can have therapy under UK law my clients who are outside of the UK and EU they tend to be more coaching clients and tend to go on my program around secure attachment so there are different ways of you being able to work with me because I do workshops and things as well and so if you want to learn more about that make sure you are on the mailing list and I'll pop a link to that in the show notes as well so if you sign up to the mailing list you'll get a free download download which is an attachment healing guide which takes you through the step-by-steps of what you need to do and it has a lot of reflective prompts in there and things to help you to really understand your relational patterns and attachment patterns and what it is you need to do to become more secure so feel free to download that guide you'll get on the mailing list and then you'll be updated when i'm holding any workshops or anything like that okay i've done a lot of talking today it feels like so i'm going to leave you there hope you're doing Well, catch you on the next episode. Bye. Thank you for joining this episode of Healing Childhood Trauma. I hope you found today's discussion insightful and empowering. Remember, healing is a journey and you are not alone on this path. And you can share this episode with a friend. Your feedback helps this podcast to reach more women who are ready to heal and build secure, healthy relationships and heal from the past.